Play

Brillig

On 2016 May 19th by monty

Here’s a quick scene I wrote after my first experience of the Royal Mile at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2009, inspired by a workshop I attended on dialogue.

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Characters: Gerald, Andy, Martina, Alice. Props: Newspaper, Gun, Herring.

[Generic Public Street during a Fringe Theatre Festival. MARTINA is already sat on stage, reading today’s paper. Enter GERALD and ANDY, not noticing her.]

GERALD: That was a truly excellent play.

ANDY: Couldn’t agree more! It had everything; love, hate, loss, gain, style, panache, sex-

GERALD: -Don’t forget the flaming puppets!

ANDY: Oh yes, the flaming puppets; delightful.

GERALD: Well, we have a good ten minutes before the next show starts. What would you like to do?

ANDY: Me? Well, I really had nothing in mind.

GERALD: We could… grab a coffee?

ANDY: Alright, a coffee it is!

MARTINA: [Surprising the two men] Excuse me?

GERALD: Argh! By Jubjub, Andy – A woman!

ANDY: It would seem so, Gerald!

MARTINA: What play did you two just go and see?

GERALD: She’s asking us what play we saw!

ANDY: You’re asking us what play we saw.

MARTINA: Yes… yes, I am.

GERALD: Why?

MARTINA: Because you’ve been singing its praises right down the street.

ANDY: Well, it was very good.

MARTINA: I’m not denying that it was very good.

GERALD: Did you see it?

MARTINA: That depends. Which play did you see?

ANDY: [after a pause] Alice’s Adventures Through the Looking Glass.

MARTINA: Who put it on?

GERALD: Actors, mostly. I saw a techie or two, and front-of-house, naturally.

ANDY: Naturally.

MARTINA: Which venue?

ANDY: Why, the one we just went to.

GERALD: Not the one we’re going to.

MARTINA: Where are you going to?

ANDY: The next venue.

GERALD: To see Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

MARTINA: Why didn’t you see that one first?

ANDY: Why?

GERALD: We are about to see it, ummm… [waiting for her introduction]

MARTINA: -Martina.

ANDY: [repeating] Martina. Andy.

GERALD: [introducing himself] Gerald. Pleased to meet you.

ANDY: I already know you, Gerald; it’s Andy!

GERALD: [to MARTINA] It’s not Andy, I assure you, it’s Gerald.

MARTINA: You two should have watched Wonderland first; it comes before Looking Glass.

ANDY: Well, Looking Glass was at 2, and Wonderland is at 4, so I don’t see how we could have watched Wonderland first.

MARTINA: Could you not have seen Wonderland yesterday at 4?

GERALD: But we didn’t see Wonderland yesterday at 4.

MARTINA: Then couldn’t you have watched Looking Glass tomorrow at 2?

ANDY: But we’ve already seen Looking Glass-

GERALD: -Yes, we’re coming from it now.

ANDY: And moreover, when could we watch The Erotic Adventures of Sherlock Holmes?

MARTINA: When’s that?

GERALD: Tomorrow at 2.

MARTINA: Well, maybe you should have watched that today at 2.

ANDY: But it opens tomorrow.

GERALD: I’m not sure I’m following you. How could we watch Sherlock Holmes today?

MARTINA: Well, you can’t now.

GERALD: But you said we could.

MARTINA: I never said you did.

ANDY: Yes you did, you said to watch it today at 2, but it’s not even on today!!

GERALD: And it’s gone 2.

MARTINA: I didn’t mean you imperatively had to watch it at all.

GERALD: Why not? Is it bad? What have the papers said?

MARTINA: I don’t know if it’s bad! I haven’t seen any of these plays!!

ANDY: Then how do you know which Alice play comes first?

MARTINA: Because of the books!

GERALD: What books?

ANDY: I didn’t see any books. they were selling ice creams though.

GERALD: And bottled water.

ANDY: And bottled water.

MARTINA: The books that Lewis Carroll wrote.

GERALD: No, I think this play was written by students.

ANDY: Was it that obvious?

MARTINA: They were books long before anything else.

GERALD: The students were books?

MARTINA: Alice!

ANDY: Alice?

GERALD: Alice?

ANDY: Are you Alice?

GERALD: She’s Martina.

ANDY: [introducing] I’m Andy. Pleased to meet you.

MARTINA: You are infuriating.

GERALD: The man just said he was Andy.

MARTINA: For God’s sake!

ANDY: Who’s that, then?

GERALD: God?

ANDY: No, Lewis Carroll.

GERALD: Didn’t he write the play?

ANDY: Is he a student?

MARTINA: He’s a prolific and beloved writer!!

ANDY: Definitely not one of the students, then.

GERALD: So he wasn’t one of the actors?

ANDY: Sometimes the writers act in their own shows.

GERALD: Diabolical.

ANDY: What makes you say that?

GERALD: I suppose they’ll be in the audience next.

ANDY: [to Martina] Are you an actor?

MARTINA: No, I’m a reviewer.

GERALD: Of what?

MARTINA: Live entertainment, mostly.

ANDY: Oh. [Shoots her with a gun. MARTINA dies.]

GERALD: Cliché.

ANDY: The gun?

GERALD: No, she’s wearing a scarf. Why do people always assume that critics wear scarfs?

ANDY: How about that coffee?

[ALICE Enters, passing in a hurry]

GERALD: Hello, boy!

ALICE: [Stopped abruptly] Girl.

ANDY: Are you in a hurry?

ALICE: Yes, I am; I have a play to get to.

GERALD: What a coincidence! So do we.

ANDY: Yes – Alice.

ALICE: How do you know my name?

GERALD: We do?

ANDY: …Are you Lewis Carroll?

ALICE: No, I’m Alice.

GERALD: You? You’re Alice? You didn’t play Alice in the last play we saw…

ALICE: The one at 2? I’m not involved with that one. I’m actually heading to another one.

ANDY: Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland?

ALICE: Yes.

GERALD: And you’re Alice in that.

ALICE: Actually, no. I wrote it.

ANDY: And you’re a student?

ALICE: Yes?

GERALD: So you are Lewis Carroll!

ANDY: Are you God?

GERALD: No, Andy – Lewis Carroll.

ALICE: No, I’m Alice. That’s my name… in real life. Alice. I adapted Lewis Carroll for the stage.

ANDY: Who was Alice in the last play we saw, and who’s Alice in your play?

GERALD: You’re getting us very confused. Are you a reviewer? [takes out the gun once more]

ANDY: [to GERALD] She’s not wearing a scarf…

ALICE: No. I’m not.

GERLAND: You’re ‘Not’? You said your name was Alice, Not. [still has gun out]

ALICE: Look, I’ve really got to go-

ANDY: We were about to get a coffee!

GERALD: Come join us.

ALICE: No, really, I’m late.

ANDY: ‘Late’? Not ‘Not’, Late?

GERALD: She’s not ‘Not’, she’s ‘Late’.

ANDY: I’m Andy.

GERALD: I’m Gerald. Pleased to meet you. [shakes hands, accidentally passing over the gun]

ANDY: [To GERALD] Haven’t we already met?

GERALD: I thought you looked familiar. [To ALICE] Doesn’t he just have one of those faces?

ALICE: Do you always hassle strangers at the most inopportune times?

ANDY: Not always.

GERALD: I do, quite regularly.

ALICE: Really?

ANDY: He’s infuriating.

GERALD: ‘Infuriating’? I assure you, ‘Gerald’.

ANDY: I’m not ‘Gerald’, I’m Andy.

GERALD: Nice to meet you, Andy. [puts out hand for shaking]

ANDY: Nice to meet you, Gerald- [puts out gun hand, accidentally shoots and kills GERALD]

ALICE: Good God!!

ANDY: No, not ‘God’ – he is Gerald [points gun at GERALD] and I am A- [points gun at self. Shoots. Dies.]

ALICE: Thank God for that. [Consults her watch.] I’m late! I’m late! I’m late!

[ALICE exits hurriedly, stepping on the bodies as she leaves. Blackout.]