News Transcript

Similar to the Smash Mouth All Star brief from a year ago, we had to choose a song and write a short piece based on it. Can you guess which popular song from 2007 is the inspiration for this live reporter broadcast?

Thank you, studio. I’m reporting live from a quiet suburb in Norwalk, where a community is in shock following the disappearance of local teenager Bryan McMullin a week ago.

Bryan has been missing since the night of Tuesday February 27th, when he was last seen by his girlfriend, ex-spelling bee champion April DiVino, at the Golf N’ Stuff mini-golf course, where the two had been enjoying their evening. DiVino has been cooperating with California Police, and has led the charge in attempts to find her missing beau.

The lead suspect in the case, who has not been seen since publicly denying all allegations at the weekend, is one Eva Baylene. This was Baylene’s statement, broadcast over KBIG-FM on the night of Saturday March 3rd:

No comment. I don’t know where Bryan is! No comment. Look, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. No comment. Anyway, how could I have even kidnapped anybody in the first place? I’m not even, like, strong enough to kidnap anybody. No comment.

Ms Baylene’s involvement was first suggested by DiVino, who took to MySpace and video sharing site YouTube to spread the word about McMullin’s disappearance, gather support, and also speak out against the accused. Here’s an audio clip taken from her video:

Eva has made a point of trying to get between me and Bryan; she’s always passing secret notes into his locker telling him to leave me and that he could apparently do so much better. It came to a point where she was promising to make me disappear, but now I’m just so scared that after rejecting her advances so many times, she has made him disappear.

The comments online have mostly been in support of DiVino’s claim, by fellow students who are familiar with Baylene’s erratic behaviour. One comment states, Ya, that Eva’s a real psycho. I walked in on her in the girl’s bathroom once and she was dancing by herself and singing about how [Bryan’s] ‘so delicious’, and how she’s going to make him ‘all mine’. Another commenter wrote, L-O-L knew that [b-word] be crazy. Wouldn’t want to be in April’s shoe’s right now. Cray to the max.

I have with me now Bryan McMullin’s neighbour, who does not wish to be named, but has agreed to talk with us regarding the disappearance. Thank you for joining us today.

:   Oh it’s my pleasure. I have a lot to s-

So you’re familiar with all parties involved?

:   Oh yeah! April’s always over the McMullin house; she’s such a nice girl, I just love them together.

And Ms Baylene?

:   Oh that girl? Oh no, I don’t know her personally, but me and Derrick – my husband, Derrick – we see her sneaking around their lawn all the time.

You see her spying on the couple?

:   Oh yeah, oh yeah. Two weeks back I see her carving something onto the tree in their front yard, I see her and I call for Derrick: DERRICK! DERRICK! And she hears me and she just, she runs.

Did you see what she’d carved into their tree?

:   Yeah! Come see, come look for yourself! Here it is! It says, Hey-hey! Brad-Brad! It’s your motherfucking princess–

Okay, I hope the studio was able to bleep that, ha ha. Ha. Well, okay, yes, sure. It seems like we’re going to have to stop it there. Thank you for your, uh, contribution.

:   Thank you!

This is Don Gilmore reporting live from Norwalk, California – back to you, studio!