Play

Clever Peter

On 2016 November 5th by monty

In 2010 the UWE Drama Society took Grimm Fairy Tales to the Edinburgh Fringe that we adapted ourselves. I loved the silly little story of Clever Hans and decided to give it a darker ending.

 

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Props – Ice Cream, iPod, Cigar, Cheque, Magic Beans, Wine Bottles, Suitcase.

PETER – A selfish idiot, 15

AMY – Unquestionably in love with PETER, 15

MUM – Tired of PETER and deeply miserable, 45

 

Scene 1

PETER   Morning, mum!

MUM    Morning, Peter. Where’re you going?

PETER   I’m off to meet Amy – she’s promised me a special surprise.

MUM    Oh yes?

PETER   We’re meeting in the centre, and then she’ll give me a gift!

MUM    A gift…? Make sure you put it in your pocket – you’re always dropping things, you clumsy oaf… and the centre? The centre’s an awful long way off, take a coat.

PETER   A coat? But I don’t have to give her anything. Besides, my coat wouldn’t fit her.

MUM    Never mind. Have fun, Peter!  When you get back, we’ll have dinner, so don’t eat anything in the centre, and hurry up! (Peter leaves) That boy is such a blooming idiot. What a liberty. (exit)

 

Scene 2

AMY      Peter! Over here, Peter!

PETER   Amy! Didn’t see you there!

AMY      Oh, Peter, my love – I have been absolutely dying to-

PETER   Where’s my present?

AMY      …What?

PETER   My present! My present! Where’s my present?

AMY      Oh, yes, here you go – an ice cream! Only something small for today, but I’ve got a load of things to give you every day this week, because I just love you so, so, so-

PETER   Every day! That’s brilliant! Bye, Amy – must dash! (exit)

AMY      Oh, okay. Bye, Peter! (exit)

 

Scene 3

MUM    Peter, there you are! You’re late for tea, you useless scrounger. What did Amy get you?

PETER   She got me an ice cream, but I did exactly what you told me – I put it in my pocket, and didn’t eat it while I was in the centre! (takes out the melted ice cream from his pocket)

MUM    Peter, you stupid boy! You should have eaten that as soon as she gave it to you – it’s ice cream, for pete’s sake.

PETER   For my sake?

MUM    What? Shut up, Peter – go wash yourself. No dinner for you. Next time she gives you one, just eat the bloody thing. Stupid boy… (both exit)

 

Scene 3

AMY      Peter, my love! I’m so happy to see y-

PETER    Where’s my present?

AMY      What?

PETER    You said I’ll get another present. One every day.

AMY      Yes. I did. Here you go. I kind of splashed out on this one, but it’s just because I love you so much!

PETER   An iPOD?!?! That’s amazing! Thanks, Amy!

AMY      My pleasure, Peter! I hope you enjoy it! I’ve uploaded some songs that really remind me of-

PETER   ‘Kay, thanks, bye! (exit)

AMY      Oh… Bye! (exit)

 

Scene 4

PETER   I’m home, mum! Mum! MUM!!!

MUM    (running in) Shut up, Peter, shut up. You’ll wake the neighbours!

PETER   Amy bought me an iPod!

MUM    An iPod? (heavily sarcastic) Well, that’ll put food on the table, won’t it?

PETER   Exactly!

MUM    …Exactly?

PETER   I took your advice, mother, and as soon as she gave it to me, I ate it!

MUM    Ate it? ATE IT?! You bloody nuisance, we could have sold that! No dinner for you tonight!

PETER   But I thought you wanted me to eat her gift as soon as she gave it to me.

MUM    You’re not supposed to put an iPod in your mouth, you’re supposed to plug it into your ears and listen to it, you utter idiot!

PETER   …In my ears. Got it. Night, mum! (exits)

MUM    What a stupid, stupid, stupid boy… (exits)

 

Scene 5

PETER   Amy? Amy? Aaaaam-yyyyy!?! It’s tomorrow, Amy! Where’s my present?! Amy!!!

AMY      (running in) Quiet, Peter – We have to be sneaky today. I got you something we’re not allowed, only being 15.

PETER   Really? That sounds awesome! What is it?

AMY      It’s this, Peter! A cigar!

PETER   Thanks, Amy! I like presents!

AMY      I’ve got to go now, Peter – see you tomorrow for another gift, my love! (exit)

PETER   This gift is awesome. I’m going to light it right now! (exit)

 

Scene 6

MUM    Where is that stupid little bugger?

PETER (offstage) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!!!! MUM!!! MUM!!!!

MUM    Who the heck is torturing a cat out there?

PETER   (running onstage) MUM! ARGH!!! MUUUM!!!

MUM    What’ve you done, Peter? What’ve you done?

PETER   I stuck a cigar in my ear! I lit it and stick it in my ear!

MUM    …Well WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?!?!

PETER   You told me that Amy’s next gift goes in my ear, so I lit it and stuck it in my ear!

MUM    You’re a very naughty boy, Peter. So is Amy – you should never have had a cigar in the first place! If anyone ever hands you one, you should just put it straight into the bin!

PETER   …into the bin. Okay, mother I understand.

MUM    Now bugger off and wash your ear under the tap. No dinner tonight! (Peter exits) What a piece of work… (exit)

 

Scene 7

AMY      Oh, Peter! There you are!  I’m so happy to see you!

PETER   My ear hurts…

AMY      Oh. Okay. Well, today I couldn’t think what to give you, so I’ve decided that if I give you money, you can buy your own gift today!

PETER   My ear hurts.

AMY      How much do you want, Peter – I’ll give you anything!

PETER   …my ear… hurts…

AMY      …Will 50 pounds do, Peter? Here you go!

PETER   …my ear hurts.

AMY      Well, enjoy that money, Peter! I love you! (exit)

PETER   …grumble. (exit)

 

Scene 8

MUM    Peter, there you are. I need to talk to you. I’ve noticed a pattern emerging lately. Yesterday, I told you to bin what Amy gave you. I just need to know, for my own sanity, Peter, what she gave you today.

PETER   50 pounds.

MUM    ….and you-

PETER   Put it in the bin. Like you said.

MUM    …50 pounds. 50 pounds. 50… pounds… okay… (throws a telephone at Peter) 50 POUNDS, PETER? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE NEED MONEY? If you EVER get something that important, you are to deposit it directly into the bank. Alright?

PETER   Right, mum. Bank. I understand.

MUM    Go to bed, Peter. No dinner for you tonight. (Peter exits) Honestly, gets it from his father… Idiots, both of them. (exit)

 

Scene 9

AMY      Peter, oh, Peter! I’ve got something wonderful today. Something money can’t buy!

PETER   What is it, Amy?

AMY      I’ve made some magic beans, Peter! Just for you! Look.

PETER   Wow!

AMY      And because of how much I love you, I made them so that if you really hold them tight and think really, really hard, they’ll grant any wish your heart desires! I have to go now, Peter – use them to wish anything you want! I love you! (exit)

PETER   …Magic beans. Wow. I thought these only existed in… in fairy tales of something! These are really, really important. I should do what mum said, and put them in the bank! (exit)

 

Scene 10

PETER   Mum! Mum!

MUM    (evidently been drinking) Peter! Peter! …what did you get today, Peter?

PETER   Magic beans, mum! But don’t worry – I put them straight into the bank, like you said!

MUM    …Really, Peter? …Really? (condescending) Well, Peter – if you get maaaAAaagical beans, you should take them into the forest and plant them.

PETER   Right, mum. Next time, I’ll take it into the forest-

MUM    Deep into the forest, Peter.

PETER   I’ll take them deep into the forest… and plant them. (exit)

MUM    Deep into the forest. Hopefully you’ll get lost, and never come home. (exit)

 

Scene 11

PETER   Amy? Amy? Where are you?! I definitely know what to do with my gift today! Amy!!

AMY      Here I am, Peter.

PETER   Where’s my gift, Amy?

AMY      You don’t say it much Peter, but I know you love me, and I love you. I’m giving you something special today, and something very special as a final gift tomorrow.

PETER   Final gift tomorrow? Well, whatever my gift is today – I know what to do with it!

AMY      Your gift today is me, Peter. Let’s run away and get married, Peter!

PETER   You?

AMY      Yes, Peter – and you know what to do with me!

PETER   Yes I do, Amy, yes I do. (they exit)

 

Scene 12

PETER   Mum? Mum!? Muuum!? Hmm. She’s not around. Well, I guess I go to bed without dinner…

(Peter goes to bed. A night passes. Mum enters in the morning, followed by Peter.)

PETER   Mum – where were you last night? I didn’t have my dinner!

MUM    I was out, Peter. Are you off to see Amy again today?

PETER   Yes I am, mum! It’s my final present today, mum!

MUM    I dread to ask what she gave you yesterday…

PETER   She gave m-

MUM    I’m going away, Peter, for a very long time. Don’t expect me to be home what you get back.

PETER   Don’t be silly, mummy! Who’s going to make me dinner? (exit)

MUM    Stupid boy. Stupid, stupid, stupid boy…

(Mum takes her suitcase, and exits. Time passes. Evening comes. Peter returns)

PETER   …Mum? Mum? …Mum? Amy wasn’t there, mum. And I’m very hungry, mum. I haven’t had dinner all week. But I didn’t do anything naughty today, mum. …Mum? Amy…? Mum…?

 

 

The end.