Here’s a quick scene I wrote after my first experience of the Royal Mile at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2009, inspired by a workshop I attended on dialogue.<\/p>\n
Characters: Gerald, Andy, Martina, Alice. Props: Newspaper, Gun, Herring.<\/strong><\/p>\n [Generic Public Street during a Fringe Theatre Festival. MARTINA is already sat on stage, reading today\u2019s paper. Enter GERALD and ANDY, not noticing her.]<\/em><\/p>\n GERALD: That was a truly excellent play.<\/p>\n ANDY: Couldn\u2019t agree more! It had everything; love, hate, loss, gain, style, panache, sex-<\/p>\n GERALD: -Don\u2019t forget the flaming puppets!<\/p>\n ANDY: Oh yes, the flaming puppets; delightful.<\/p>\n GERALD: Well, we have a good ten minutes before the next show starts. What would you like to do?<\/p>\n ANDY: Me? Well, I really had nothing in mind.<\/p>\n GERALD: We could\u2026 grab a coffee?<\/p>\n ANDY: Alright, a coffee it is!<\/p>\n MARTINA: [Surprising the two men]<\/em> Excuse me?<\/p>\n GERALD: Argh! By Jubjub, Andy \u2013 A woman!<\/p>\n ANDY: It would seem so, Gerald!<\/p>\n MARTINA: What play did you two just go and see?<\/p>\n GERALD: She\u2019s asking us what play we saw!<\/p>\n ANDY: You\u2019re asking us what play we saw.<\/p>\n MARTINA: Yes\u2026 yes, I am.<\/p>\n GERALD: Why?<\/p>\n MARTINA: Because you\u2019ve been singing its praises right down the street.<\/p>\n ANDY: Well, it was very good.<\/p>\n MARTINA: I\u2019m not denying that it was very good.<\/p>\n GERALD: Did you see it?<\/p>\n MARTINA: That depends. Which play did you see?<\/p>\n ANDY: [after a pause<\/em>] Alice\u2019s Adventures Through the Looking Glass.<\/p>\n MARTINA: Who put it on?<\/p>\n GERALD: Actors, mostly. I saw a techie or two, and front-of-house, naturally.<\/p>\n ANDY: Naturally.<\/p>\n MARTINA: Which venue?<\/p>\n ANDY: Why, the one we just went to.<\/p>\n GERALD: Not the one we\u2019re going to.<\/p>\n MARTINA: Where are you going to?<\/p>\n ANDY: The next venue.<\/p>\n GERALD: To see Alice\u2019s Adventures in Wonderland.<\/p>\n MARTINA: Why didn\u2019t you see that one first?<\/p>\n ANDY: Why?<\/p>\n GERALD: We are about<\/em> to see it, ummm… [waiting for her introduction<\/em>]<\/p>\n MARTINA: -Martina.<\/p>\n ANDY: [repeating<\/em>] Martina. Andy.<\/p>\n GERALD: [introducing himself<\/em>] Gerald. Pleased to meet you.<\/p>\n ANDY: I already know you, Gerald; it’s Andy!<\/p>\n GERALD: [to MARTINA<\/em>] It’s not Andy, I assure you, it’s Gerald.<\/p>\n MARTINA: You two should have watched Wonderland first; it comes before Looking Glass.<\/p>\n ANDY: Well, Looking Glass was at 2, and Wonderland is at 4, so I don\u2019t see how we could have watched Wonderland first.<\/p>\n MARTINA: Could you not have seen Wonderland yesterday at 4?<\/p>\n GERALD: But we didn\u2019t see\u00a0Wonderland yesterday at 4.<\/p>\n MARTINA: Then couldn’t you have watched Looking Glass tomorrow at 2?<\/p>\n ANDY: But we’ve already seen Looking Glass-<\/p>\n GERALD: -Yes, we’re coming from it now.<\/p>\n ANDY: And moreover, when could we watch The Erotic Adventures of Sherlock Holmes?<\/p>\n MARTINA: When\u2019s that?<\/p>\n GERALD: Tomorrow at 2.<\/p>\n MARTINA: Well, maybe you should have watched that today at 2.<\/p>\n ANDY: But it opens tomorrow.<\/p>\n GERALD: I\u2019m not sure I\u2019m following you. How could we\u00a0watch Sherlock Holmes today?<\/p>\n MARTINA: Well, you can’t now.<\/p>\n GERALD: But you said we could.<\/p>\n MARTINA: I never said you did.<\/p>\n ANDY: Yes you did, you said to watch it today at 2, but it\u2019s not even on today!!<\/p>\n GERALD: And it’s gone 2.<\/p>\n MARTINA: I didn\u2019t mean you imperatively had<\/em> to watch it at all.<\/p>\n GERALD: Why not? Is it bad? What have the papers said?<\/p>\n MARTINA: I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s bad! I haven\u2019t seen any of these plays!!<\/p>\n ANDY: Then how do you know which Alice play comes first?<\/p>\n MARTINA: Because of the books!<\/p>\n GERALD: What books?<\/p>\n ANDY: I didn\u2019t see any books. they were selling ice creams\u00a0though.<\/p>\n GERALD: And bottled water.<\/p>\n ANDY: And bottled water.<\/p>\n MARTINA: The books that Lewis Carroll wrote.<\/p>\n GERALD: No, I think this play was written by students.<\/p>\n ANDY: Was it that obvious?<\/p>\n MARTINA: They were books long before anything else.<\/p>\n GERALD: The students were books?<\/p>\n MARTINA: Alice!<\/p>\n ANDY: Alice?<\/p>\n GERALD: Alice?<\/p>\n ANDY: Are\u00a0you<\/em> Alice?<\/p>\n GERALD: She\u2019s Martina.<\/p>\n ANDY: [introducing<\/em>] I\u2019m Andy. Pleased to meet you.<\/p>\n MARTINA: You are infuriating.<\/p>\n GERALD: The man just said he was Andy.<\/p>\n MARTINA: For God\u2019s sake!<\/p>\n ANDY: Who\u2019s that, then?<\/p>\n GERALD: God?<\/p>\n ANDY: No, Lewis Carroll.<\/p>\n GERALD: Didn\u2019t he write the play?<\/p>\n ANDY: Is he a student?<\/p>\n MARTINA: He\u2019s a prolific and beloved writer!!<\/p>\n ANDY: Definitely not one of the students, then.<\/p>\n GERALD: So he wasn\u2019t one of the actors?<\/p>\n ANDY: Sometimes the writers act in their own shows.<\/p>\n GERALD: Diabolical.<\/p>\n ANDY: What makes you say that?<\/p>\n GERALD: I suppose they\u2019ll be in the audience next.<\/p>\n ANDY: [to Martina<\/em>] Are you an actor?<\/p>\n MARTINA: No, I\u2019m a reviewer.<\/p>\n GERALD: Of what?<\/p>\n MARTINA: Live entertainment, mostly.<\/p>\n ANDY: Oh. [Shoots her with a gun. MARTINA dies.<\/em>]<\/p>\n GERALD: Clich\u00e9.<\/p>\n ANDY: The gun?<\/p>\n GERALD: No, she\u2019s wearing a scarf. Why do people always assume that critics wear scarfs?<\/p>\n ANDY: How about that coffee?<\/p>\n [ALICE Enters, passing in a hurry<\/em>]<\/p>\n GERALD: Hello, boy!<\/p>\n ALICE: [Stopped <\/em>abruptly] Girl.<\/p>\n ANDY: Are you in a hurry?<\/p>\n ALICE: Yes, I am; I have a play to get to.<\/p>\n GERALD: What a coincidence! So do we.<\/p>\n ANDY: Yes – Alice.<\/p>\n ALICE: How do you know my name?<\/p>\n GERALD: We do?<\/p>\n ANDY: \u2026Are you Lewis Carroll?<\/p>\n ALICE: No, I\u2019m Alice.<\/p>\n GERALD: You? You\u2019re Alice? You didn\u2019t play Alice in the last play we saw\u2026<\/p>\n ALICE: The one at 2? I\u2019m not involved with that one. I\u2019m actually heading to another one.<\/p>\n ANDY: Alice\u2019s Adventures In Wonderland?<\/p>\n ALICE: Yes.<\/p>\n GERALD: And you\u2019re Alice in that.<\/p>\n ALICE: Actually, no. I wrote it.<\/p>\n ANDY: And you\u2019re a student?<\/p>\n ALICE: Yes?<\/p>\n GERALD: So you are<\/em> Lewis Carroll!<\/p>\n ANDY: Are you God?<\/p>\n GERALD: No, Andy – Lewis Carroll.<\/p>\n ALICE: No, I\u2019m Alice. That\u2019s my name… in real life. Alice. I adapted Lewis Carroll for the stage.<\/p>\n ANDY: Who was Alice in the last play we saw, and who\u2019s Alice in your play?<\/p>\n GERALD: You\u2019re getting us very confused. Are you a reviewer? [takes out\u00a0the gun once more<\/em>]<\/p>\n ANDY: [to GERALD<\/em>]\u00a0She’s not wearing a scarf…<\/p>\n ALICE: No. I\u2019m not.<\/p>\n GERLAND: You’re ‘Not’? You said your name was Alice, Not. [still has gun out<\/em>]<\/p>\n ALICE: Look, I\u2019ve really got to go-<\/p>\n ANDY: We were about to get a coffee!<\/p>\n GERALD: Come join us.<\/p>\n ALICE: No, really, I\u2019m late.<\/p>\n ANDY: ‘Late’? Not ‘Not’, Late?<\/p>\n GERALD: She’s not ‘Not’, she’s ‘Late’.<\/p>\n ANDY: I\u2019m Andy.<\/p>\n GERALD: I\u2019m Gerald. Pleased to meet you. [shakes hands, accidentally passing over the gun<\/em>]<\/p>\n ANDY: [To GERALD<\/em>] Haven\u2019t we already met?<\/p>\n GERALD: I thought you looked familiar. [To ALICE<\/em>] Doesn\u2019t he just have one of those faces?<\/p>\n ALICE: Do you always hassle strangers at the most inopportune times?<\/p>\n ANDY: Not always.<\/p>\n GERALD: I do, quite regularly.<\/p>\n ALICE: Really?<\/p>\n ANDY: He\u2019s infuriating.<\/p>\n GERALD:\u00a0‘Infuriating’? I assure you, ‘Gerald’.<\/p>\n ANDY: I’m not ‘Gerald’, I’m Andy.<\/p>\n GERALD: Nice to meet you, Andy. [puts out hand for shaking<\/em>]<\/p>\n ANDY: Nice to meet you, Gerald- [puts out gun hand, accidentally shoots and kills GERALD<\/em>]<\/p>\n ALICE: Good\u00a0God!!<\/p>\n ANDY: No, not ‘God’ –\u00a0he<\/em> is Gerald [points gun at GERALD<\/em>] and\u00a0I\u00a0<\/em>am A- [points gun at self. Shoots. Dies.<\/em>]<\/p>\n ALICE: Thank God for that.\u00a0[C<\/em>onsults her watch.<\/em>] I\u2019m late! I\u2019m late! I\u2019m late!<\/p>\n [ALICE exits hurriedly, stepping on the bodies as she leaves. Blackout.<\/em>]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Here’s a quick scene I wrote after my first experience of the Royal Mile at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2009, inspired by a workshop I attended on dialogue. Characters: Gerald, Andy, Martina, Alice. Props: Newspaper, Gun, Herring. [Generic Public Street during a Fringe Theatre Festival. MARTINA is already sat on stage, reading today\u2019s paper. Enter