{"id":119,"date":"2016-11-05T09:33:09","date_gmt":"2016-11-05T09:33:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/?p=119"},"modified":"2017-12-12T18:17:20","modified_gmt":"2017-12-12T18:17:20","slug":"clever-peter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/?p=119","title":{"rendered":"Clever Peter"},"content":{"rendered":"

In 2010 the UWE Drama Society took Grimm Fairy Tales to the Edinburgh Fringe that we adapted ourselves. I loved the silly little story of\u00a0Clever Hans<\/em> and decided to give it a darker ending.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

Props – Ice Cream, iPod, Cigar, Cheque, Magic Beans, Wine Bottles, Suitcase.<\/em><\/p>\n

PETER \u2013 A selfish idiot, 15<\/em><\/p>\n

AMY \u2013 Unquestionably in love with PETER, 15<\/em><\/p>\n

MUM \u2013 Tired of PETER and deeply miserable, 45<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 1<\/strong><\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Morning, mum!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Morning, Peter. Where\u2019re you going?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m off to meet Amy \u2013 she\u2019s promised me a special surprise.<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh yes?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 We\u2019re meeting in the centre, and then she\u2019ll give me a gift!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A gift…? Make sure you put it in your pocket \u2013 you\u2019re always dropping things, you clumsy oaf… and the centre? The centre\u2019s an awful long way off, take a coat.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 A coat? But I don\u2019t have to give her anything. Besides, my coat wouldn\u2019t fit her.<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Never mind. Have fun, Peter!\u00a0 When you get back, we\u2019ll have dinner, so don\u2019t eat anything in the centre, and hurry up! (Peter leaves<\/em>) That boy is such a blooming idiot. What a liberty. (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 2<\/strong><\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Peter! Over here, Peter!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Amy! Didn\u2019t see you there!<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, Peter, my love \u2013 I have been absolutely dying to-<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Where\u2019s my present?<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 …What?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 My present! My present! Where\u2019s my present?<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, yes, here you go \u2013 an ice cream! Only something small for today, but I\u2019ve got a load of things to give you every day this week, because I just love you so, so, so-<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Every day! That\u2019s brilliant! Bye, Amy \u2013 must dash! (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, okay. Bye, Peter! (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 3<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Peter, there you are! You\u2019re late for tea, you useless scrounger. What did Amy get you?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 She got me an ice cream, but I did exactly what you told me \u2013 I put it in my pocket, and didn\u2019t eat it while I was in the centre! (takes out the melted ice cream from his pocket<\/em>)<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Peter, you stupid boy! You should have eaten that as soon as she gave it to you \u2013 it\u2019s ice cream, for pete\u2019s sake.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 For my sake?<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What? Shut up, Peter \u2013 go wash yourself. No dinner for you. Next time she gives you one, just eat the bloody thing. Stupid boy… (both exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 3<\/strong><\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Peter, my love! I\u2019m so happy to see y-<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Where\u2019s my present?<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You said I\u2019ll get another present. One every day.<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Yes. I did. Here you go. I kind of splashed out on this one, but it\u2019s just because I love you so much!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 An iPOD?!?! That\u2019s amazing! Thanks, Amy!<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My pleasure, Peter! I hope you enjoy it! I\u2019ve uploaded some songs that really remind me of-<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 \u2018Kay, thanks, bye! (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh… Bye! (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 4<\/strong><\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m home, mum! Mum! MUM!!!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (running in<\/em>) Shut up, Peter, shut up. You\u2019ll wake the neighbours!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Amy bought me an iPod!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 An iPod? (heavily <\/em>sarcastic) Well, that\u2019ll put food on the table, won\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Exactly!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 …Exactly?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 I took your advice, mother, and as soon as she gave it to me, I ate it!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Ate it? ATE IT?! You bloody nuisance, we could have sold that! No dinner for you tonight!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 But I thought you wanted me to eat her gift as soon as she gave it to me.<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You\u2019re not supposed to put an iPod in your mouth, you\u2019re supposed to plug it into your ears and listen to it, you utter idiot!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 …In my ears. Got it. Night, mum! (exits<\/em>)<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What a stupid, stupid, stupid boy… (exits<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 5<\/strong><\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Amy? Amy? Aaaaam-yyyyy!?! It\u2019s tomorrow, Amy! Where\u2019s my present?! Amy!!!<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (running in<\/em>) Quiet, Peter \u2013 We have to be sneaky today. I got you something we\u2019re not allowed, only being 15.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Really? That sounds awesome! What is it?<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s this, Peter! A cigar!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Thanks, Amy! I like presents!<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to go now, Peter \u2013 see you tomorrow for another gift, my love! (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 This gift is awesome. I\u2019m going to light it right now! (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 6<\/strong><\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Where is that stupid little bugger?<\/p>\n

PETER (offstage<\/em>) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!!!! MUM!!! MUM!!!!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Who the heck is torturing a cat out there?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 (running onstage<\/em>) MUM! ARGH!!! MUUUM!!!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What\u2019ve you done, Peter? What\u2019ve you done?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 I stuck a cigar in my ear! I lit it and stick it in my ear!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 …Well WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?!?!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 You told me that Amy\u2019s next gift goes in my ear, so I lit it and stuck it in my ear!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You\u2019re a very naughty boy, Peter. So is Amy \u2013 you should never have had a cigar in the first place! If anyone ever hands you one, you should just put it straight into the bin!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 …into the bin. Okay, mother I understand.<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Now bugger off and wash your ear under the tap. No dinner tonight! (Peter exits<\/em>) What a piece of work… (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 7<\/strong><\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, Peter! There you are!\u00a0 I\u2019m so happy to see you!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 My ear hurts…<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh. Okay. Well, today I couldn\u2019t think what to give you, so I\u2019ve decided that if I give you money, you can buy your own gift today!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 My ear hurts.<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 How much do you want, Peter \u2013 I\u2019ll give you anything!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 …my ear… hurts…<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 …Will 50 pounds do, Peter? Here you go!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 …my ear hurts.<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Well, enjoy that money, Peter! I love you! (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 …grumble. (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 8<\/strong><\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Peter, there you are. I need to talk to you. I\u2019ve noticed a pattern emerging lately. Yesterday, I told you to bin what Amy gave you. I just need to know, for my own sanity, Peter, what she gave you today.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 50 pounds.<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ….and you-<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Put it in the bin. Like you said.<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 …50 pounds. 50 pounds. 50… pounds… okay… (throws a telephone at Peter<\/em>) 50 POUNDS, PETER? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE NEED MONEY? If you EVER get something that important, you are to deposit it directly into the bank. Alright?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Right, mum. Bank. I understand.<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Go to bed, Peter. No dinner for you tonight. (Peter exits<\/em>) Honestly, gets it from his father… Idiots, both of them. (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 9<\/strong><\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Peter, oh, Peter! I\u2019ve got something wonderful today. Something money can\u2019t buy!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 What is it, Amy?<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019ve made some magic beans, Peter! Just for you! Look.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Wow!<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 And because of how much I love you, I made them so that if you really hold them tight and think really, really hard, they\u2019ll grant any wish your heart desires! I have to go now, Peter \u2013 use them to wish anything you want! I love you! (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 …Magic beans. Wow. I thought these only existed in… in fairy tales of something! These are really, really important. I should do what mum said, and put them in the bank! (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 10<\/strong><\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Mum! Mum!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (evidently been drinking<\/em>) Peter! Peter! …what did you get today, Peter?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Magic beans, mum! But don\u2019t worry – I put them straight into the bank, like you said!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 …Really, Peter? …Really? (condescending<\/em>) Well, Peter \u2013 if you get maaaAAaagical beans, you should take them into the forest and plant them.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Right, mum. Next time, I\u2019ll take it into the forest-<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Deep into the forest, Peter.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019ll take them deep into the forest… and plant them. (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Deep into the forest. Hopefully you\u2019ll get lost, and never come home. (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 11<\/strong><\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Amy? Amy? Where are you?! I definitely know what to do with my gift today! Amy!!<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Here I am, Peter.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Where\u2019s my gift, Amy?<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You don\u2019t say it much Peter, but I know you love me, and I love you. I\u2019m giving you something special today, and something very special as a final gift tomorrow.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Final gift tomorrow? Well, whatever my gift is today \u2013 I know what to do with it!<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Your gift today is me, Peter. Let\u2019s run away and get married, Peter!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 You?<\/p>\n

AMY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Yes, Peter \u2013 and you know what to do with me!<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Yes I do, Amy, yes I do. (they exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scene 12<\/strong><\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Mum? Mum!? Muuum!? Hmm. She\u2019s not around. Well, I guess I go to bed without dinner…<\/p>\n

(Peter goes to bed. A night passes. Mum enters in the morning, followed by Peter.<\/em>)<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Mum \u2013 where were you last night? I didn\u2019t have my dinner!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I was out, Peter. Are you off to see Amy again today?<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Yes I am, mum! It\u2019s my final present today, mum!<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I dread to ask what she gave you yesterday…<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 She gave m-<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m going away, Peter, for a very long time. Don\u2019t expect me to be home what you get back.<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 Don\u2019t be silly, mummy! Who\u2019s going to make me dinner? (exit<\/em>)<\/p>\n

MUM\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Stupid boy. Stupid, stupid, stupid boy…<\/p>\n

(Mum takes her suitcase, and exits. Time passes. Evening comes. Peter returns<\/em>)<\/p>\n

PETER\u00a0\u00a0 …Mum? Mum? …Mum? Amy wasn\u2019t there, mum. And I\u2019m very hungry, mum. I haven\u2019t had dinner all week. But I didn\u2019t do anything naughty today, mum. …Mum? Amy…? Mum…?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The end.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In 2010 the UWE Drama Society took Grimm Fairy Tales to the Edinburgh Fringe that we adapted ourselves. I loved the silly little story of\u00a0Clever Hans and decided to give it a darker ending.     Props – Ice Cream, iPod, Cigar, Cheque, Magic Beans, Wine Bottles, Suitcase. PETER \u2013 A selfish idiot, 15 AMY Read More<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-119","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-play"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/119","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=119"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/119\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":122,"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/119\/revisions\/122"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=119"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=119"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/montyake.pirat.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=119"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}